So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
