every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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