tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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