Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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