I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
