I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
