I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
so much tequila, so little girl.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
