i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize