this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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