My Higher Power is John Stamos
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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