4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
