I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
