you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
