Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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