I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
