I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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