so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
