i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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