just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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