Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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