Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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