New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
