Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
