How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize