Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
