you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
