I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize