I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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