you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize