Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
