my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
