Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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