yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
