Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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