can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
