he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
