And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
