It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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