he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you win again, gameday.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
