my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You ruined the universe
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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