Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
