you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize