I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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