So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize