My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
