Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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