I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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