i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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