Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
