at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize