You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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