Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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