I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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