mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
