I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm like, not good at living.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
