he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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