I wish my penis had an off switch
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
