i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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